The fear is here.
I don't even know how to begin describing my last few days. They were just...weird.
Waffles at Gelare on Tuesday afternoon, with TG 8. The usual good company. A good breather from the madness of LAWR and Crim. Saw a young couple professing their love for each other. Felt old. Felt...jaded. Very tired. Very odd feelings. Little did I know that this was a harbinger of things to come.
Had a good lunch on Wednesday. Good food, good company. Thought-provoking conversation over excellent Japanese cuisine. Spent some time in town, then headed home for dinner and a quick shower before heading to school to work on LAWR. At one point in the middle of the night, I was walking out to the carpark with Xiang and Itishree, when I glanced up at the door which we were about to head through and saw someone from my past through the glass panel. Went through an instinctive fight-or-flight response. Then I decided that it was time to confront the past. And I strode up to the door and opened it.
Said hi to Claire.
She looked exactly the same as I remember her from my past; the same hair, the same glasses. When the voice came out, it was the same too. And yet, even as she measured up to my memories, I realised that I'd been the one doing all the changing. That things were so different now. If I bumped into my old self one day along the street, would I recognise the person I used to be? Would I notice? Would I be aware?
She seemed surprised. Who wouldn't be? I was surprised too, but there was also a certain inevitability about the moment. Like I'd known, without really admitting to myself, that someday I would have to face her. As though I'd been preparing for this moment, from the very day I'd decided that it was time to end the silence between us. She took a few seconds to recognise me. The surprise in her "oh, hi!" was real. There was little time to talk anyway; not that I desired that. A few brief words relating to the improbability of our chance encounter, and then we parted. And I cannot even begin to describe the tumult of emotions that were running through my mind.
Little else remains to be said. Left the moot court after 1am. Supper, then drove the resident Lord back, before heading home. Crawled into bed a bit before 4am. Overslept; woke up 20mins before class and went through a mad frenzy of throwing on clothes and rushing for a taxi. Went through the rest of the day like a zombie. And now, here I am.
I'm really scared now. What if we end up like that, strangers who shared but brief moments, only to fade away in the sands of time? The cruel games we play; the hurting, the recrimination, the pain. I don't want that to happen. It's a risk that I'm reluctant to take.
I see no easy resolution.
Waffles at Gelare on Tuesday afternoon, with TG 8. The usual good company. A good breather from the madness of LAWR and Crim. Saw a young couple professing their love for each other. Felt old. Felt...jaded. Very tired. Very odd feelings. Little did I know that this was a harbinger of things to come.
Had a good lunch on Wednesday. Good food, good company. Thought-provoking conversation over excellent Japanese cuisine. Spent some time in town, then headed home for dinner and a quick shower before heading to school to work on LAWR. At one point in the middle of the night, I was walking out to the carpark with Xiang and Itishree, when I glanced up at the door which we were about to head through and saw someone from my past through the glass panel. Went through an instinctive fight-or-flight response. Then I decided that it was time to confront the past. And I strode up to the door and opened it.
Said hi to Claire.
She looked exactly the same as I remember her from my past; the same hair, the same glasses. When the voice came out, it was the same too. And yet, even as she measured up to my memories, I realised that I'd been the one doing all the changing. That things were so different now. If I bumped into my old self one day along the street, would I recognise the person I used to be? Would I notice? Would I be aware?
She seemed surprised. Who wouldn't be? I was surprised too, but there was also a certain inevitability about the moment. Like I'd known, without really admitting to myself, that someday I would have to face her. As though I'd been preparing for this moment, from the very day I'd decided that it was time to end the silence between us. She took a few seconds to recognise me. The surprise in her "oh, hi!" was real. There was little time to talk anyway; not that I desired that. A few brief words relating to the improbability of our chance encounter, and then we parted. And I cannot even begin to describe the tumult of emotions that were running through my mind.
Little else remains to be said. Left the moot court after 1am. Supper, then drove the resident Lord back, before heading home. Crawled into bed a bit before 4am. Overslept; woke up 20mins before class and went through a mad frenzy of throwing on clothes and rushing for a taxi. Went through the rest of the day like a zombie. And now, here I am.
I'm really scared now. What if we end up like that, strangers who shared but brief moments, only to fade away in the sands of time? The cruel games we play; the hurting, the recrimination, the pain. I don't want that to happen. It's a risk that I'm reluctant to take.
I see no easy resolution.
posted by khel at 8:12 PM
1 Comments:
i can emphatised, but i can't offer any advice, as much as i would like to.
:(
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